Today is my 28th wedding anniversary.
If you count the time my husband and I were together before we married, that’s 31 years of togetherness; rather a long time if measured by today’s standards (the average first marriage lasts 8 years).
After posting a comment and a few wedding pics, I was surprised by the number of people that messaged me asking for marriage tips…which in reality gets down to relationship tips.
What makes a successful marriage? That’s a great question.
I thought I’d expand on what I think makes our marriage work…the key word being work.
Have separate and combined interests.
My husband is a hunter; as in he really, really, likes to hunt. When we were first together, I thought I’d be the cute girlfriend/wife and hunt too. I took the hunter’s safety course, got some snazzy orange overalls and accoutrements and off I went (my husband comes from a family of hunters, so I had lots of help).
I did not dig it. First, I don’t do getting up at o’dark thirty unless I am getting on a plane to a tropical destination…which leads me to the fact that I don’t do cold either…unless I am by a cozy fireplace watching the snow fall outside my window.
So, I become a hunter’s widow for a few months throughout the year, and to be honest, I enjoy the time to myself; especially now that the kids are doing their own thing too.
On the flip side, we have things we love to do together. Boating and traveling are high on our list of activities that we both love and enjoy sharing with each other.
Always lead with respect
Always be respectful of the other person.period.
Don’t let the past dictate the present (or future)
Ben and I have very different backgrounds regarding marriage. His parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary on Christmas (in an odd twist, my Dad and stepmom were also married on Christmas Eve; they are divorced now and remarried), and between my dad, bonus mom, and biological mom I think there are 9 divorces.
So many people worry that what they have been exposed to and past patterns will repeat in their own lives. If you go in with that expectation, then there is a pretty damn good likelihood that it will come to pass. Your life is yours to take control of. Learn from the past, don’t live it.
Go to Bed Mad If You Want
Conventional wisdom has always said to not go to bed mad.
Doesn’t work for me.
Often when I’ve ‘slept on it’ I wake up with greater clarity and am more ready to talk things through. I’ve had a great deal of experience with words being spewed in anger, hurt, and frustration and once words are out there…there are no backs.
Flex and Flow
A famous quote goes something like this:
“Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”
Twenty-five years ago I would have answered “I want to be right dammit!” Silly rabbit 🙂
There is a delicate flow of knowing when to stand your ground and when to move on…it’s important that you find it. One way is to simply ask yourself, “How do I want to feel here?” It’s also important to not feel like you are the one capitulating, giving in or keeping the peace all the time.
One way streets always lead to dead ends.
Know When to Hold ‘Em (and when to fold ’em)
We give up too easily. Marriage is a work in progress and a collaborative effort. Too often apathy sets in, we get distracted by life in general, and stressors create fissures that turn into canyons unless we are vigilant.
That is not to say that toxic relationships should continue to be fed either. Relationships that are emotionally, physically, or psychologically abusive are not relationships to salvage.ever.
Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine
If you don’t have a sense of humor and you want to be married to ‘infinity and beyond’ (to quote Buzz Lightyear), you better get one. You’re going to be with this person a long time and if you can’t laugh with them and genuinely enjoy each other’s company…well it’s going to be a long haul for sure (and not in a good way).
This is by no means an inclusive or exclusive list of making a marriage work; your mileage will vary.
That would be a book…hmmmm 😉
What are your tips and thoughts? Got any to add?
Love love love!
Thank you for sharing this and here is to at least 28 (or 31) more awesome years of hunting and laughing and boating!
xo
thank you, thank you, thank you for stopping by 🙂
I’d love to have another 28+ years…we’re still figuring it out as we go 😉
xo
D
maybe we should start the ‘widow hunter’s club’? lol.
thank you for your “long haul”, you guys are a inspiration to younger couples who just dont give a damn. (& us)
I’ve often thought about that Lea!
You’re welcome…I have great faith in you and your marriage 🙂
xo
D
Been married for 24+ years and I totally agree with you. A biggie for me has been not saying anything when I was boiling mad. My husband learned early on to just let me stew til I was ready to talk. Much easier to sort things out when you are not saying things you will regret later. And pick your battles…do I really want to fight about dirty socks on the floor? Not really 😉
With three kids we also find we stay better connected by having some us time. We usually do what we call day dates: lunch, a trip to the park, etc. while the kiddos are in school. (We never do movies because that does not give us a chance to talk each other).
Once again Happy Anniversary to you and Benjamin! May you have many more exciting years together 🙂
Hi Dana!
Wow…congrats to you also 🙂
I love picking your battles…some things are definitely worth fighting for (or over), but often we fight just so we can be ‘right’ without regards to thinking about how we really want to feel.
Another great point…I love my kids to death, but we started out as a couple and it is so important to have couple time to enjoy each other and stay connected. Good tip about the movies…I had not considered that!
Thank you for the well wishes and congrats to you as well on you longevity of your marriage!
xo
D