Sometimes, as I am casting about for inspiration (you know, everything to say and yet nothing to say?) I see a piece of writing and think to myself “dammit, I wanted to say that!” Such was my thought when I read an article written by Martha Beck (who I adore) in the July issue of Oprah magazine. This blog post is a snapshot of what she wrote as well as my own additional thoughts (cuz ya know I gots some!) on the topic of what Martha calls the “duel-emma” of life.
So one of the main points in this article (at least my take away) is the idea that we generally think in terms of ‘either-or’ in how we approach life. That there must always be one answer…in other words black and white. Martha proposes (and I heartily agree) that what if a situation has a ‘both-and’ answer. It’s what I like to call living in the shades of gray.
It’s the idea that both answers are right. Your dear friend is flighty and unreliable AND is someone you could call literally any time of the day or night and she would move heaven and earth to help you. You hate to exercise, but feel wonderful after you do; your relationship with your spouse or significant other can be both amazing and awful.
Life is made up of dual-emmas all the time. If you really consider it, the majority of our life consists of shades of gray. It requires a flexibility of mind and a shift away from conventional thinking. What is most powerful is that developing these mind muscles will give you incredible skills both personally and professionally that actually open up more possibility thinking for you.
Martha counsels that there is a caveat in this thinking and that is that if you or the other person can’t or won’t admit the ‘both-and’ truth, then the relationship will become increasingly dysfunctional. And as one who sees infinite shades of gray J, I agree to a point. I believe how dysfunctional is ultimately, up to you. Sometimes, there are conversations that you are unwilling, or cannot have. So it becomes a matter of what you feel you can (or not) tolerate.
Martha also offers 3 strategies to help you facilitate that conversation:
- Set boundaries before a situation arises.
- Focus of the good stuff in the relationship (my personal fav)
- Don’t get freaked out (my words) while you explore other options.
How do you deal with the shades of gray in life? Give me some food for thought J
How to Change Your Marriage from:
~~ “Martial” arts … to “Marital” arts ~~
Just let the “I” take one step back.
Len Stevens.
Hi Danielle,
Your conversation on this is super helpful. Such a good reminder. Thanks.
What you like to call “living in the shades of gray” I like to think of as “seeing ourselves as full-range human beings”. Tomato, tomahto. Whenever I see myself or others with that wider, inclusive lense, judgment drops and I feel so much better.
Get this synchronicity: Today I said to someone, “When I read a Martha Beck article, I always wish I had written it!” First time I’ve said that–and you led with it. Guess we’re on the same wavelength….
Hi Martia,
Your welcome! I love that….”full-range human beings”. We often forget that we are so multifaceted and try to fit everyone and everything into neat little boxes or labels. It really is like dropping a weight off when we can cast off judging others.
LOL…Martha always seems to know what I’m thinkin’ and articulates it in a way that just feels like she’s been pokin around in my gray matter;-)
Very cool to be on the same wavelength!
Dani
I have some too and in the process to express them.
Alex,
Good for you! It can certainly be a process in figuring how to express your thoughts in your own special way!
Dani
First off, I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you embed your wonderful personality into the blog post i.e. “(cuz I gots some!)” =P Don’t ever lose that =)
I know how you feel about how others sometimes beat you to the punch with things you want to say. For me, it’s an every day thing =P But that just means it’s a relevant topic, and we all have the opportunity to see how you see it. More perspectives the better!
I agree with what you’re saying. So many people deal in absolutes and extremes, that it keeps you close-minded, and it alienates opportunities and loved ones. I think that Spring wouldn’t be so welcoming without Winter, relationships are a pain in the but but holy cow are they rewarding, and in business – and the list goes on! If you accept the ability for 2 sides of a spectrum to coexist, you might have synergy, a further appreciation, growth, and new opportunities.
Excellent post! Reminds me not to live “my way or the highway!”
LOL…don’t worry Paul, I’m sure that I will never lost that 🙂
But seriously, you bring up such a great point that we all bring our unique perspective to the mix, and we all have the opportunity to say it in our own way. Thanks for stopping by and giving me your perspective (and I love how you managed to get some Limp Bizkit in there;-)!
Dani
Great post Danielle!!
Very cool to have the reminder that it is not all about absolutes! There are so many shades of grey in life and really in every situation. We can not make an absolute, black or white decision about most things; there is too much that goes in to the situation and the decisions.
Thank you for this reminder Danielle; excellent writing and I agree with Paul; your personality shines through in your writing!
John Lusher
awww *blushing* thank you John:-)
Great Post, Danielle!
I was thinking the other day how NOTHING in life is absolutely anything. Whether we’re talking about our relationships, our livelihood, or just daily life – it is all made up of moments – good moments, bad moments and many, many forgettable moments.
I’m with you on focusing on the good and staying free of the “freak-out” when faced with the not-so-good. After all, isnt’ true perfection riddled with imperfection that makes it real?
Agreed Gina…all the circumstances you mentioned..and then some:-) It’s what we do with the moments…becoming more self aware of our own thought patterns and what we can control and what we need to let go of that truly determine our own barometer of happiness at any given moment.
Thank you for your thoughts:-)
yeah, what len said!
plus: because we’re not God (big surprise) we don’t and can’t know everything which includes infinite perspectives of another human. In geometry terms it’s like two people viewing a cylinder, one from the side (“it’s a rectangle”), and one from the end (“it’s a circle”) when the real answer is beyond and includes both.
The application for me is that since I don’t know all, I can’t judge but I can have mercy, grace, and compassion from my humble perspective.
Very true J…
I think we often get caught up in our very narrow perspective (which in reality is judging), but when we practice empathy and as you said, mercy, grace and compassion, we can greatly improve our ‘dual-emma’ skills 🙂
I love the circle-rectangle analogy; that’s a great way of putting it!
Thank you for stopping by!
D